


Voyager and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Ship Inspection

by phantomlistener



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Crack, Epistolary, F/M, Gen, PADD Messages
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 05:36:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17461610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phantomlistener/pseuds/phantomlistener
Summary: From:Lieutenant TorresTo:EngineeringSubject:Those bloody inspectionsTime:21:02Engineering is a TIP.  If the Captain wants inspections, she has to be able to get through the door.  Someone get the doors working properly, everyone else, CLEAR UP.  Understood?In which it's time for the annual inspection of the ship, tensions are running high, and Tom Paris is in exceptionally good spirits.  Things go rapidly downhill from there.





	Voyager and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Ship Inspection

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thisbluespirit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisbluespirit/gifts).



> I'm fairly sure that back in the day PADD fic was a well-established genre. Long may it reign.

**From:** Captain K Janeway  
**To:** Senior Crew  
**Subject:** Ship Inspections  
**Time:** 20:00  
It is time for the annual inspection of the ship.  I will allot each crewmember an area and I expect them to report back on the condition of the section.  Allocations will be prepared by 09:00 tomorrow.  
  
**From:** Commander Chakotay  
**To:** Kathryn Janeway  
**Subject:** re. Ship Inspections  
**Time:** 20:48  
So who gets to inspect your quarters, then?  
Be nice to the ensigns.  
  
**From:** CAPTAIN Janeway  
**To:** Commander Chakotay  
**Subject:** re. Ship Inspections  
**Time:** 20:55  
Certainly not you, Commander.  
  
**From:** Lieutenant Torres  
**To:** Engineering  
**Subject:** Those bloody inspections  
**Time:** 21:02  
Engineering is a TIP.  If the Captain wants inspections, she has to be able to get through the door.  Someone get the doors working properly, everyone else, CLEAR UP.  Understood?  
  
**From:** Lieutenant Paris  
**To:** B’Elanna, Terror of the Engineering Department  
**Subject:** Your Temper  
**Time:** 21:41  
Please don’t take it out on those poor scared ensigns.  They have to do bridge duty, you know.  The last guy who came up to take over helm was shaking like a leaf!  What did you do to him?  
  
**From:** Commander Chakotay  
**To:** Captain Janeway  
**Subject:** That Engineer of yours  
**Time:** 21:42  
B’Elanna has the kids in her department in tears, Kathryn.  Did you HAVE to announce inspections?  By the way, please don’t give Neelix anything near wires, or consoles, or buttons, or airlocks, or food . . . in fact, just don’t give him a section.  Please.  
PS: Who does get to do your quarters?  
  
**From:** Kathryn Janeway  
**To:** Chakotay, lecherous rogue  
**Subject:** My Quarters  
**Time:** 21:48  
For your information, there will be _no_ inspections of private spaces.  
More’s the pity, Commander.  I’d love to see yours . . .  
  
**From:** B’Elanna, Fuming Demon of Engineering  
**To:** Tom  
**Subject:** Chakotay and the Captain  
**Time:** 22:01  
You’ll never guess what Chakotay’s last message from the captain said!  I’ve included it as an attached file to this message.  Keep it quiet, flyboy, or else, but this is GOOD!  And keep Neelix away from Engineering.  
  
**From:** Tom, Knight in Shining Armour  
**To:** B’Elanna, Damsel in Distress  
**Subject:** I’ve saved you  
**Time:** 22:48  
Well, B’Ela, I got there just in time to stop the captain assigning Neelix to Engineering.  She thought your temperament might stop him from going over the top, but I said you’d probably hack him to pieces with his own cooking knife if he came within ten metres of you.  I was right, wasn’t I?    
  
**From:** B’Elanna, eternally grateful  
**To:** Tom, magician of the Delta Quadrant  
**Subject:** Thanks  
**Time:** 22:50  
Yes.  
  
**From:** Chakotay  
**To:** Kathryn  
**Subject:** Damned inspections  
**Time:** 23:09  
Firstly - as you said, private areas are strictly off limits.  Secondly - please assign Naomi Wildman to the bridge and Icheb to Engineering.  
  
**From:** Kathryn  
**To:** Chakotay  
**Subject:** Twice damned inspections  
**Time:** 23:15  
Yes, yes, yes.  Now leave me alone.  I’m trying to sleep.  
  
**From:** Naomi Wildman  
**To:** Icheb  
**Subject:** TOP SECRET  
**Time:** 23:16  
Have you heard?  We get to do inspections! I’m on the bridge, you’re down in Engineering.  Captain Janeway told me herself!  I need as much information as I can get.  Can you do some digging?  
  
**From:** Icheb  
**To:** Naomi Wildman  
**Subject:** re. TOP SECRET  
**Time:** 23:20  
It would be more efficient if we shared our information.  Anything you require can soon be sent to you, although I would appreciate it if you refrained from contacting me during my regeneration cycles.  Also - it would not be proper to pry, but have you noticed the tensions between the senior officers?  I would like to point out that the captain has been receiving a lot of PADD messages lately.  It would be sensible to remain cautious.  
  
**From:** Naomi Wildman  
**To:** Icheb  
**Subject:** Tension?  
**Time:** 23:23  
I think you’re probably talking about the fact that they’re all ready to kill each other over these inspection thingys.  What’s the fuss?  I think it’s going to be great fun!  And by the way - I’m going to talk to the captain tonight about what I’ve got to do.  If I don’t appear tomorrow morning, it’ll be because she’s eaten me alive.

 **From:** Naomi Wildman  
**To:** Icheb  
**Subject:** fw: Tension?  
**Time:** 23:35  
...I'm definitely in trouble.  

  
**From:** Captain K Janeway  
**To:** Commander Chakotay  
**Subject:** Naomi Wildman  
**Time:** 23:36  
I do not expect to have little children prying into my personal life, much less asking why - and I quote - "you and Chakotay aren't married yet, because Mom says that's what people do when they love each other".  
You have been assigned to inspect the Jeffries Tube network on Deck 6.  Have fun.  
  
**From:** Chakotay  
**To:** Kathryn  
**Subject** : re. Naomi Wildman  
**Time:** 23:40  
I haven’t spoken to her.  It was nothing to do with me.  Please don’t kill anyone.  Oh - and I’m just thrilled to be crawling through Jeffries Tubes all day.  That wouldn’t have anything to do with you, would it?  No?  I thought as much.  
  
**From:** Tom, Whizz Kid of Piloting  
**To:** B’Elanna, Whizz Kid of Engineering  
**Subject:** I THINK I’M ABOUT TO KILL SOMEONE  
**Time:** 08:10  
B’Elanna, things are bad up here.  The Captain and Chakotay aren’t talking to each other.  Actually, they’re not even looking at each other, and when they do she gives him _The Glare_.  What the hell is going on?  
  
**From:** B’Elanna, Hermit and Recluse  
**To:** Tom, Knowledgeable Sorcerer  
**Subject:** Goings on  
**Time:** 08:15  
Right.  Slow down.  I’ve been in total seclusion for the last, oh, six hours, trying to get engineering to look like more than a series of trailing wires and broken consoles.  The Captain isn’t talking to Chakotay?  Nothing new, flyboy.  They’re always like it - or haven’t you noticed?  Remember how they were when we brought them back from New Earth?  (What did happen down there, by the way?)  
  
**From:** Commander Chakotay  
**To:** B’Elanna Torres  
**Subject:** Messages  
**Time:** 08:21  
Please refrain from speculating on the occurrences on New Earth.  It’s none of your business.  Concentrate on getting Engineering into somewhere we can walk without being in danger of:  
        a) strangulation by overhanging wires  
        b) broken necks as a result of trailing wires  
        c) major burns as a result of coolant leaks  
        d) death by overworked Klingon  
  
**From:** B’Elanna, stressed Klingon - and you know what that’s like  
**To:** Chakotay, interfering busybody  
**Subject:** Keep your nose out of my business  
**Time:** 08:24  
I’d like to see you even rewire a basic circuit, COMMANDER.  Please leave my personal messages alone.    
  
**From:** Tom, Penitent Worshipper  
**To:** B’Elanna, Queen of the Galaxy  
**Subject:** I’m sorry  
**Time:** 08:25  
Sorry, Chakotay hijacked my PADD.  
God, it’s getting really bad up here.  Every time he even glances at her for her opinion, she’s glaring daggers at him.  Oh - wait - she’s getting up and going to her ready room.  Thank god.  We can have some peace now.  
  
**From:** Kathryn  
**To:** Chakotay  
**Subject:** Important  
**Time:** 08:26  
Chakotay, please come to my ready room.  I need to talk to you.  
  
**From:** COMMANDER Chakotay  
**To:** CAPTAIN Janeway  
**Subject:** re. Important  
**Time:** 08:27  
No.  
  
**From:** Kathryn  
**To:** Chakotay, stubborn angry warrior  
**Subject:** Very Important  
**Time:** 08:29  
Please, Chakotay.  I’m sorry.  
  
**From:** Chakotay  
**To:** Kathryn  
**Subject:** Very important?  It was just ‘important’ last time.  
**Time:** 08:30  
Kathryn, I’m coming, on the condition that you don’t kill me.  I swear, I said nothing to Naomi - but that’s not really what this is about, is it?  By the way, I read a VERY interesting message from B’Elanna to Tom just now.  It seems there’s a regular rumour mill about us on New Earth.    
Sorry for reminding you about that.  You prefer to forget that happened, don’t you.  
  
**From:** Tom, Humble Servant  
**To:** B’Elanna, my Angel  
**Subject:** Senior officers  
**Time:** 08:30  
Chakotay’s just gone in to the Captain’s ready room after having quite a long exchange of PADD messages.  I bet you can't retrieve the messages from the computer. . .

 **From:** B'Elanna, not an idiot  
**To:** Tom, idiot  
**Subject:** re. Senior officers  
**Time:** 08:32  
Unlike you, Tom, I know when _not_ to do something.  So yes, I can retrieve the messages, but no, I don't want to be thrown out of Starfleet.  
  
**From:** Megan Delaney  
**To:** Tom Paris  
**Subject:** The Captain  
**Time:** 08:49  
Tom, do you know what’s going on with the captain?  I contacted her over my commbadge and she told me to hold on, and now she’s disengaged the bloody thing!  I need to tell her that I’ve got the star charts she wanted ready for uploading onto the computer.  Chakotay isn't answering either - can you help?  
  
**From:** Naomi Wildman  
**To:** Seven of Nine  
**Subject:** Inspections  
**Time:** 09:12  
Seven, I don’t know what to do, I can’t get hold of the captain or Chakotay!  I think the Captain might be cross with me because of something I asked yesterday.  Do you know what's happening?  
  
**From:** Seven of Nine  
**To:** Naomi  
**Subject:** re. Inspections  
**Time:** 09:15  
I believe the Captain to be a fair leader who would not punish you for asking a question.  I am not currently on the Bridge and do not have an understanding of the current situation, but as there is no Red Alert there should be no cause to worry.   
  
**From:** Seven of Nine  
**To:** Neelix  
**Subject:** Your Mess Hall  
**Time:** 09:21  
I am under orders to carry out an inspection of the mess hall at 11:45 today.  I would therefore request that you be there in order to explain the nature of the various foodstuffs you have in stock.  
  
**From:** Neelix  
**To:** Captain Janeway  
**Subject:** Seven of Nine  
**Time:** 09:25  
Captain, I object to having the mess hall inspected by someone who doesn't even enjoy a good leola root stew!  She's overly critical of my cooking and biased against me, and I want her replaced.  
  
**From:** B’Elanna, Tired and Ready to Kill  
**To:** Tom, Gossip Machine of the Delta Quadrant  
**Subject:** Everything  
**Time:** 09:28  
If you're not too busy sticking your nose into other peoples business, I need to speak to you about a certain file I found on the computer system.  I’ve attached it to this message so you can read it.  If it’s anything to do with you, boy are you in trouble, flyboy.  Start running now.  
  
_Attached File:_  
*RECOMMENDATION REGARDING LT B TORRES*  
ANYONE WITH ANY SENSE SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM ENGINEERING FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS IF THEY WISH TO KEEP THEIR VITAL ORGANS IN PLACE.  SICKBAY IS ON ALERT FOR ANY DISTRESS CALLS FROM THAT VICINITY.  FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY:  
\- MAKE A LOT OF NOISE WHEN APPROACHING ANGRY KLINGONS - SUDDEN NOISES ARE LIABLE TO RESULT IN VIOLENCE.  
\- DO NOT ENTER ALONE.  A SECURITY DETAIL IS GENERALLY RECOMMENDED AND WILL BE AVAILABLE FOR ANYONE WHO SO WISHES.    
\- KEEP YOUR PHASER ON STUN AND HAVE IT WITHIN REACH ALL THE TIME.    
GOOD LUCK.  
  
**From:** Tom Paris, Scared but Determined  
**To:** B’Elanna, Goddess of Vengeance  
**Subject:** That message . . .  
**Time:** 09:33  
Oops . . . is there anywhere I can hide?  
  
**From:** Neelix  
**To:** Captain Janeway  
**Subject:** re. Seven of Nine  
**Time:** 09:34  
Captain, I would appreciate a prompt response.  
  
**From:** B’Elanna, Murderess  
**To:** Tom, Victim  
**Subject:** Just you wait  
**Time:** 09:35  
You can’t hide, helmboy.  You’re going to regret this more than you’ve ever regretted anything in your life.  
  
**From:** Tom Paris  
**To:** Tuvok  
**Subject:** Security  
**Time:** 09:37  
I’m requesting a security detail to protect me from B’Elanna Torres.  Please help, before I’m just a few blobs on the floor in Engineering.  
  
**From:** Neelix  
**To:** Captain Janeway  
**Subject:** re. Seven of Nine  
**Time:** 09:44  
Captain, are you all right?  Is there a reason why you’re not answering your commbadge as well as my messages?  If you don’t answer in ten minutes, I’m going to call sickbay.  
  
**From:** Captain Janeway  
**To:** Neelix  
**Subject:** re. Seven of Nine  
**Time:** 09:45  
Seven of Nine will be inspecting the Mess Hall and that is final.   
  
**From:** Lt Tuvok  
**To:** Lt Torres  
**Subject:** Security  
**Time:** 10:05  
Please refrain from threatening members of the crew.  It is unsettling, and illogical, that Voyager has a nervous wreck at the helm.  
  
**From:** B’Elanna  
**To:** Tuvok  
**Subject:** re. Security  
**Time:** 10:09  
Humour, Tuvok?  I’d never have believed it from you.  But from that walking lump of meat otherwise known as Tom Paris, I’d expect everything - including the ‘I’m so scared, everyone’s out to get me’ ploy.  Did you _see_ what he wrote about me on the computer system?  Security or not, he’s _dead_ , and not even your Vulcan lectures can persuade me otherwise.  
  
**From:** B’Elanna  
**To:** Tuvok  
**Subject:** WAS THAT YOU?  
**Time:** 10:18  
Did you just lock me out of the computer?  If you did, you green blooded, pointy eared moron, I’m going to rescind all your command codes.  I can, you know.  I wasn’t in the Maquis for nothing.  
GIVE ME ACCESS TO THE COMPUTER!  I can’t do anything if I can’t get on!  
  
**From:** Lt Tuvok  
**To:** Lt Torres  
**Subject:** Computers  
**Time:** 10:20  
I will ignore your insubordination, but I will not give you access to the computer until you give me your word that you will not harm Lt Paris.  
  
**From:** B’Elanna, Gibbering Wreck  
**To:** Tuvok, Computer Whizz  
**Subject:** re. Computers  
**Time:** 10:21  
Damn you.  Fine, I give you my word.  But I can’t vouch for anything that might happen as a consequence of my suppressed anger.  Now please give me back computer access so I can turn engineering into something other than a hellhole.  If that’s possible, when just about everyone’s run away.  
  
**From:** Lt Tuvok  
**To:** Captain Janeway, Commander Chakotay  
**Subject:** \---  
**Time:** 10:26  
Both of you are required on duty.  If you do not wish to return to your posts, you must inform me within five minutes.  It may interest you to know that Lts Torres and Paris are literally ready to kill each other; the entire engineering department - apart from Torres - are down in sickbay with either minor injuries or trauma; Neelix has been under sedation; and the crew is extremely interested in the ‘goings on’ between you both.  
  
  
**From:** Kathryn  
**To:** Tuvok  
**Subject:** re. ---  
**Time:** 10:30  
I leave the ship in someone else’s hands for a mere two hours and look what happens.  All right, my friend, I’ll be on the bridge in a few minutes.  Let me calm down first.  
  
**From:** B’Elanna  
**To:** Tom  
**Subject:** YOU  
**Time:** 10:31  
I’ve promised not to kill you, Tom, but watch out for stray electrical cables and booby traps in your quarters . . .  By the way, is the captain coming out yet?  I need to talk to her.  
  
  
**From:** Naomi  
**To:** Seven of Nine, Icheb, Tom Paris, B’Elanna  
**Subject:** A little plan . . .  
**Time:** 10:34  
Right.  I’ve got an idea. You know these inspections?  Well, they seem awfully dull to me.  Why don’t we liven them up a bit?  I was thinking along the lines of parties . . .  
  
**From:** Tom, Awed Worshipper  
**To:** Naomi, Clever Little Girl  
**Subject:** Your plan  
**Time:** 10:36  
Nice one, Naomi!  How about putting some lively music through the computer?  Or setting food out on tables down the corridors?  I’m sure B’Elanna could fix up something like strobe lights!  
  
**From:** Seven of Nine  
**To:** Naomi  
**Subject:** Efficiency  
**Time:** 10:37  
I wish to enquire as to the reason behind your plan.  Is there some tradition I am unaware of?  Please enlighten me if this is the case.  
I have, however, a few suggestions: DO NOT let Mr Neelix cook.  DO NOT tell the captain; it would lower the efficiency of the entire operation.  DO NOT let Mr Paris anywhere near the computers for the next few hours.  
  
**From:** Naomi  
**To:** Seven  
**Subject:** re. Efficiency  
**Time:** 10:40  
Humour, Seven?!  
  
**From:** Kathryn Janeway, (who does happen to be captain)  
**To:** Tom Paris, Plotter  
**Subject:** Goings on  
**Time:** 10:55  
Tom - I am not stupid.  And no snide comments, please.  I can tell by the sheer amount of messaging that something’s up between you, B’Elanna, Naomi and a few others.  No, I haven’t actually read the messages, but I assure you, if I am displeased, you will be in the brig for the longest time you’ve ever been anywhere in your life . . .  
And _please_ make sure the doctor keeps Mr Neelix under sedation for a while.  I can do without his questions.  
  
**From:** Tom Paris, Plotter  
**To:** Captain Janeway  
**Subject:** re. Goings on  
**Time:** 11:02  
I don’t want to pry, captain, but what exactly _have_ you two been doing for the last, oh, two hours?  The ship’s going crazy without you.  
Please don’t demote me.  I was just curious.  
  
**From:** Kathryn Janeway  
**To:** Tom Paris  
**Subject:** re. Goings on  
**Time:** 11:05  
Curiosity killed the cat, as the saying goes - but to answer your question, we were talking.  Just talking.  
It was very interesting talk, though.  
  
**From:** Chakotay  
**To:** B’Elanna  
**Subject:** \---  
**Time:** 11:12  
B’Elanna, what _have_ you been up to?  I’ve seen the state of sickbay.  Please tell me you didn’t injure all seventeen crewmembers in there?  
  
**From:** B’Elanna  
**To:** Chakotay  
**Subject:** re. ---  
**Time:** 11:14  
Actually, it was eighteen.  Carey wouldn’t go to sickbay.  
And sorry.  
  
**From:** Naomi  
**To:** Seven of Nine, Icheb, Tom Paris, B’Elanna  
**Subject:** Plotting  
**Time:** 11:15  
Tom, organise the music.  B’Elanna, can you do something with the lights?  Icheb and Seven, I want you to round up as many people as you can and tell them what’s going on - PLEASE don’t tell the captain - and then come to my quarters to help me.  
  
**From:** Kathryn  
**To:** Tuvok  
**Subject:** \---  
**Time:** 11:23  
I’m on my way, Tuvok.  Apologies for being away from my post for so long - it was very important that Chakotay and I have that conversation.  And please, for god’s sake, keep Neelix away from me.  
  
**From:** Tom  
**To:** All Crew, except Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay  
**Subject:** EVENTS  
**Time:** 11:27  
First: the captain’s back.  Heads down and nobody tell her what’s happening.  
Second: anybody placed a bet on the pools yet?!  
  
**From:** Naomi  
**To:** Seven of Nine, Icheb, Tom Paris, B’Elanna  
**Subject:** Plotting  
**Time:** 11:30  
Right.  Ready, everyone?  Implement the PLAN!!  
  
**From:** Kathryn Janeway  
**To:** Tom Paris  
**Subject:** re. Goings on  
**Time:** 11:31  
Tom, is _this_ your plan?  Bad 21st century music, strobe lighting and food?    
I love it!!  
Just don’t tell me Neelix did the cooking . . .  
  
**From:** Tom Paris, Plotter Extraordinaire  
**To:** Kathryn Janeway  
**Subject:** re. Going on   
**Time:** 11:34  
Neelix didn’t cook, he’s still under sedation (Doctor’s orders, of course).  And since you like the plan, you should probably know that it was all Naomi Wildman's idea.  Does this mean I get to live?  
  
**From:** Tom Paris  
**To:** All Crew  
**Subject:** Party!  
**Time:** 11:36  
Have fun!!  
  
**From:** Kathryn  
**To:** Chakotay  
**Subject:** \---  
**Time:** 11:37  
About what we discussed - I’ve got an answer for you.  
Yes.  
  
**From:** Chakotay  
**To:** Kathryn  
**Subject:** re. ---  
**Time:** 11:40  
Really?  You mean it?  Come to the Jeffries Tube network on Deck Six - where I _happen_ to be a bit busy at the moment, thanks.  I want to say something to you.  
  
**From:** B’Elanna, Private Eye of the Delta Quadrant  
**To:** Tom, AKA Watson  
**Subject:** the Captain  
**Time:** 11:42  
Tom, the captain just walked by looking very smug.  Shall I follow her?  Don’t answer.  I’m going to anyway.  
  
**From:** B’Elanna, Great Detective  
**To:** Tom, Accomplice in Crime  
**Subject:** the Captain - and Chakotay  
**Time:** 11:47  
You’ll never guess what I saw the captain and Chakotay doing next to the Jeffries tubes on Deck Six!  
  
**From:** Kathryn  
**To:** Tuvok  
**Subject:** \---  
**Time:** 12:03  
Tuvok, they tell me you’re the one I should speak to.  Do you know how to conduct a wedding?


End file.
